Learning about addiction can help us
better understand our loved ones’ behaviors.
There is much good information available about addiction and recovery as
well as what we can do to help ourselves and our loved ones. One way to find
answers is to listen to others’ experiences, which can help us feel validated
and not so alone. Knowing what to expect in a situation involving addiction can
empower us to better help ourselves and our loved ones.
Realize
that addictions cannot be released without help. Those affected must have the personal desire
to seek and obtain repentance and recovery and healing. In our righteous desires, we can take care
not to use language that would only deepen the shame and guilt of our loved
ones. We can maintain a standard of purity, yet open our loving arms so those
privately suffering can have a safe place to emerge and find peace.
As we have discussed before, all addictions appear to cause
physical damage in the control and pleasure areas of the brain. Complete healing requires the help of the
Savior and His atonement.
How has seeking a better understanding
of addiction helped you?
Our loved ones ensnared in addiction
often make poor choices and may suffer significant consequences. It is hard to
watch this happen and to feel helpless to prevent it. We might believe that
things won’t get better unless we step in and fix it. We may try to persuade,
reason, bargain, punish, manipulate, or shame our loved one into recovery.
These attempts may seem effective for a time, but in the end they are not
enough. We learn from experience that trying to exercise control only creates a
climate of tension, fear, and resentment.
It is natural for us to want our loved
ones to experience the healing power of Jesus Christ, and we strive to help
them in any way we can. However, it is important to understand that we cannot
save them. If we try to save them from the consequences of their poor choices,
we are wrongfully attempting to usurp the role of our Savior and Redeemer. Some
of our efforts and intentions in their behalf may actually postpone their
turning to the Savior. For God to heal them, they need to exercise faith and be
obedient to His commandments. We cannot do that for them. The Savior asks,
“Will ye not now return unto me, and repent of your sins, and be converted,
that I may heal you?” All people must choose for themselves to come unto the
Savior. In the case of a person struggling with an addiction, they are the only
one who can choose what is necessary to find recovery. Our loved ones’
addictions need not interfere with our coming to the Savior.
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| Art by Amberle Stoffers |
How can we prevent a desire to support
a loved one from turning into an attempt to override agency?
What
is Humility? Humbling yourself is not just some droop-faced, hang-dog
expression to wear on our countenance.
Rather, it is opening our hearts up to higher things. Call upon God. Invite Him to come by devoting ourselves, in
humility to living every principle He has taught. Not just a laundry list of
"to-dos", but meek and prayerful watching and accepting what His Spirit
advises us to do. Call, listen and obey
what we are told. Stay tuned and attuned. His messages sometimes come from
unexpected sources.
What are some unexpected sources that we might
receive messages from?
Understanding involves noticing when
our thoughts argue with reality. The
only time we suffer is when we believe a thought that argues with what is. We might as well teach a cat to bark. Wanting the cat to bark is wanting the
reality to be different than it is. We
could spend the rest of our lives trying to teach a cat to bark. It is important to stay in our own business. There
are three kinds of business, mine, yours and God’s. (meaning reality) Anything out of your control or mine is God’s
business. Much stress comes from
mentally living out of our business.
When we think
of someone else, “you should get a job, be happy, be on time, take better care
of yourself, agree with me, get rid of your addiction"…. then we are in their business.
Earthquakes,
floods, war or when I will die is God’s business.
When we are mentally in some one else's business or God’s business, the effect is
separation. Feeling hurt or lonely comes
from being in someone else’s business. Being mentally in another's business
keeps us from being present in our own.
The next time
we feel stress, ask whose business are we in.
How can caring for yourself and
understanding whose business you are in better enable you to help your loved
one?
When we put our
hand into a fire, does someone have to tell us to move it? No, when the hand starts to burn, we move it. Once we understand that an untrue thought
causes suffering, we move away from it.
Here is an
example of an untrue thought from Byron Katie.
"My children
should pick up their socks.
Was not
true. The reality was that day after
day, they left their socks on the floor after all my years of nagging and
punishing. I was the one who should pick
up the socks if I wanted them picked up.
My children were perfectly happy with their socks on the floor. Who had the problem? Me. My
thoughts about the socks made my life difficult, not the socks themselves. Who had the solution? Me. I could be right or I could be free.
It took just
a few moments to pick up the socks. I realized I loved picking up their
socks. It was for ME, not them. It stopped being a chore and turned into a
pleasure to see the uncluttered floor.
Eventually, my pleasure was contagious and they began to pick up their
own socks without me saying a thing!
Our parents,
children, spouses, friends will press every button we have until we realize
what it is that we don’t want to know about ourselves, yet. They will point us to freedom every time."
Why is it important to seek your own
healing? What has prevented you or is preventing you from coming to the Savior
to be healed?
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| Art by Amberle Stoffers |
Personal Learning and Application
Keep a journal of your thoughts, feelings,
insights, and plans to implement what you learn. As the needs and circumstances
in your life change, repeating these answers will provide you with new
insights. Go back to the questions in
the chapter. Write your answers. Each time you go through a chapter, your
answers might change.
1. Study Jeremiah 17:14 . What do we learn about healing from the Lord?
2. Consider all of the physical, mental, and
emotional energy you have spent on your loved one’s addiction. Consider a plan of action to ensure that you
maintain balance in your life. What are some things you can do?
3. Write some examples of positive words and
phrases you can use when talking to your loved ones?
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